The journey continues......

It's been 11 years since I went to a Halloween party that changed my life. I saw an image of myself that didn't match the mental image I had of my body. I knew that throughout my 20s since I graduated college and started working my clothing sizes gradually increased, but I still thought I looked good and was healthy. Until I saw these photos:

I vividly remember getting ready for that party and doing my hair and make-up and lacing up the  fake leather corset and looking in the mirror thinking to myself "DAMN, I look good!"

I made the decision the day I saw the photos to start working out and eating better and a year later I had lost 100lbs. A year after that, I ran my first marathon - Marine Corps Marathon 2008.

I have since completed 27 marathons and more half marathons than I can count, but in the last 4 yrs I have gotten slower and running has gotten more difficult and it is because of something I never ever thought would happen. I gained back most of the weight I had lost. I know exactly how it happened. It was a gradual process like the slowly increasing clothing sizes in my 20s, it did sort of sneak up on me, but I was aware the entire time. First my jeans got a bit tight, then they didn't fit at all. Running got more and more difficult and didn't feel effortless anymore. The more difficult it got, the less I enjoyed it.

There was a series of events that nudged me in the wrong direction and down the path I have taken. First was the bombings and the nightmares that followed. I started drinking A LOT to try and shut off my brain and cope with anxiety and fear that I couldn't shake. Then a year after that I got laid off from my job and was unemployed for several months. A year after that, one of my cats died suddenly. All of these things just added up over time pushing me into a very unhealthy head space that I am all too familiar with - depression. I continued running the whole time, trying to maintain my weight and sanity, but slowly slipped little by little.

Through all this the journey never stopped, I am still moving forward and still running (even if some people can walk faster than my current pace), I am struggling, but I am still fighting through that struggle.

Reflecting back on my journey thus far, has helped me refocus and restart down a better, more positive path. I have made a conscious effort to stop drinking in excess. Which means not consuming an entire bottle of wine for dinner every night or a 6-pack of beers. In the past month I have only had maybe 2 beers and 3 glasses of wine total on 4 separate occasions. I admit, some nights are more challenging than others and I really really want to have a glass (or bottle) of wine and fall asleep, but I resist the urge and get a glass of water instead.

I have started keeping a food journal again to keep myself accountable for the calories I consume and avoid mindless eating. That also helps me avoid the empty calories of alcohol. I am making it my goal to get to the gym at least twice a week. I just need to make it a habit again. Just doing long runs on the weekend is not enough. So far in the month of October, I have lost 14lbs. I had gained back about 75 of the 100lbs I lost 10 years ago so I still have a ways to go, but it is a great start. If I can lose 10lbs per month between now and next April when I run Boston again that will be a huge accomplishment and I may actually be able to run it faster than recent marathons and feeling better about the race and myself.

So, the journey continues. As a friend recently told me, "it is always a journey, a lot of days are tough but we power through and always give love to ourselves no matter what stage of life we are going through." No truer words have ever been said. Some days are extremely tough, but I power through. That is what makes me who I am. That mental toughness is what gets me to the finish line more often than not. I may not always give myself the love I deserve, but I am trying and I will not give up.

This year's Halloween costume, still think I looked amazing, but also see some room for improvement. It's not as shocking as the "not-so-little" red riding hood costume photos. I definitely know looking at these that I am bigger than I'd like to be and look forward to next year in a smaller costume.